You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
