you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
