I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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