there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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