hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There's always time for handjobs
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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