I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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