The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
