Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
