update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
