I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
