life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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