I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Someone came in the potted fern
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
