if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
