On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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