i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
That's intense
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
