im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
