Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
