You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
