I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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