textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
