I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
