Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
