If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
and she was petting her beer can
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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