apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
