you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
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Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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