i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
