Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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