Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
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I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
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Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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