I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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