Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
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She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
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It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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