I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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