Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
