I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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