Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Randomize
