Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
