so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
