im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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