She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
