There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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