so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
