My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
