I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize