So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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