i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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