So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
