cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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