I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize