I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
