took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
