He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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