i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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