Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
