Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
